Some days I'm the bull. Some days I'm the china shop, but most of the time I'm just the janitorial staff.
Today I'm the china shop. I'm putting up a good front, and only I am aware of how fragile everything is on the inside. Everything is teetering on the verge of collapse, and I'm trying to hold it together. My strong facade is hindering my ability to ask for help. Show no weakness. Don't drag others into your little freak show of a pity party.
Do I just suppress these feelings of inadequacy so that the pressure of it all will eventually sling shot back at me with 100X the negative force? I'm not a failure. I haven't done anything to warrant such conclusions, but here I am knee deep in self loathing and cut-throat micro scrutiny. I need to understand this. I feel compelled to find out the 'why' behind this sudden onslaught of gut wrenching self-hatred.
It's interesting with me being such a highly competitive person that I have yet to be able to best my own inner voice. To state that this sucks doesn't even begin to touch this feeling of complete disdain.
I know most of this stems from regret. I'm carrying the burden of past failures and seem to be willing to flaunt them in front of my current self as some sort of self-sabotage scheme. It's very effective in keeping me stagnant.
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